Wednesday, December 30, 2009

wednesday 30 december 2009




turners falls

See ya later, 2009. I ended 2008 deeply disappointed in trying to communicate with people on the internet, and now I end 2009 the same way.

I write 5 on-line journals on 4 different websites, and now am knitting them together into one conglomerate website. I've hoped for nearly two years that I'll find people about my age with about my interests, and people who might be just a bit peeved about what was done to me and my animals. But it simply doesn't happen. I go on writing for other reasons now, but it's not easy. Like standing at a podium, speaking to an empty room. Or a room full of the deaf.
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read... Mishibone... Neverending solitaire...

~~~~ website ~~~~~~~~~
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Monday, December 14, 2009

monday 14 december 2009


greenfield

Why do I continue writing these on-line journals, I often wonder. I don't write the kinds of things that people are looking for: entertaining things, things of interest to people 35 and under. So why?

During the long time I've been writing these real-life events on the internet, I've had different reasons for going on. But now I go on for my death, which I'd hoped to be able to bring about myself, but so far... My relatives have no interest in these journals now, while I'm alive: I'm not taken seriously as a human being, as far as I can tell, by anyone related to me. But perhaps when I've died there will be at least some meager morbid curiosity about who this woman really was. As long as I breathe they define me, and I'm not allowed to define and describe myself. Maybe when I no longer breathe there will be a change, but of course I can't be sure.

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read... Lifelines... Lucked out...

~~~ website ~~~~~~~~~~~

all photos, graphics, poems and text copyright 2008-2011 by anne nakis, unless otherwise stated. all rights reserved.
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Saturday, November 7, 2009

anne nakis, or nemo


Saturday 7 Nov 2009, Greenfield

I can't haunt the streets of Turners Falls today, the ghost, the Nemo (no-one), the frantic Demeter searching, and scourging the earth over her lost Persephone. There are no buses today.

I've called myself no-one on this blog, and on another I've called myself sehnen (longing). I'm both of those things. And if my personal archetypes have become Demeter frantic over her stolen daughter and Deirdre of the Sorrows, crying for 12 years over her murdered love and in the end killing herself, it's because of the last 12 hell years. I haven't gone into much of the hell pre-dating the stealing of my family in 2008, but those years actually began in 1997, and culminated in the destruction of my life last year. But all of my on-line journals, whatever I'm talking about in them, give clues to the damage that's been done over the last 12 years.


(resin figurine at www.toscano.com)

Click here to more about Deirdre.

read... Braonwandering... Spite and malice

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Wednesday, November 4, 2009

wednesday 4 november 2009


Turners Falls

Ah, all the updating of last year's blog posts. This is the blog I've been the slowest with. It's a lot of work, and a lot of thinking about things from last year that still hurt a great deal. From time to time I'm burnt out and have to take a break.

Last year at this time I was living in Peskeomskut Park in Turners Falls, whereas now I'm living in a rented bedroom in Greenfield. But two years ago, in November 2007, I was still in my own life, in my own home with my animals, living the last November we would ever have together. Three Novembers, so different from each other, and yet each bloated with pain in its own special way.

website.

(all photos, graphics, poems and text copyright 2008-2011 by anne nakis, unless otherwise stated. all rights reserved)

Saturday, October 17, 2009

saturday 17 october 2009


Page Fifty-two

Greenfield...

All is status quo. I go to Turners to haunt what was my own life. I wait on a waiting list for a tiny apartment in a small institutional building in Turners, which I will hate. I've never lived that way. There will be no animals. I'll continue murdering minutes away as I've done for the past nineteen months, but I don't live. Not in any meaningful sense of the word. I exist. Matthew is still here, and we are still estranged, which we will remain. I have the one human friend, D.

My daughter's father has killed himself, and I grumble in a dark envy that this long-absent person was able to do what I haven't been able to do: to end the misery. I'm much smarter than he was, and educated, and much more sensitive than he was. Why could he do this simple and final ending of misery, and I can't.

Not Human
website

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

wednesday 7 october 2009


Page Fifty-0ne

Greenfield


Nobody Nowhere. The title of a book I've recently read. But also the title of my existence since 12 March 08, when my whole life and everyone I love were taken away. Nobody nowhere has been me for the last 18 months. In many ways, Nobody Nowhere has been me my whole life. Me vis-a-vis other people: nobody much. I take the anti-depressant, I take the anti-anxiety, but these don't give me back my life and my loves. These don't turn me into somebody again. They don't make the enormous grief just magically go away. Nor would I want pills to do that. I'm not a believer in stuffing emotions down, or pretending they're not there to begin with.

~~~~~~~~~~ website ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

all photos, graphics, poems and text copyright 2008-2011 by anne nakis, unless otherwise stated. all rights reserved.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

wednesday 23 september 2009


Page Fifty

Turners Falls

Back here again haunting my memories, yet again. I come as often as I can. Very, very few people in Turners Falls speak to me now, this year, and I don't speak to them. They did, after all, leave me living outdoors for two months. There are some, after all, who know what became of my animals and will not tell me.


Still working on updating all of the posts from last year, but it's a long job. Sometimes I get burn-out and have to take some time off from all the updating, from all the digging out of memory words, events, people that I chose to keep quiet about in 2008.

Still living in a rented bedroom. Matthew is still in Greenfield, as am I. It's still painful on several levels to see him, but when I move back here to Turners, I won't have to see anymore this man who has loved me so badly. I have enough grief to carry, enough loss, and enough other memories of meanness.

Website ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(greenman from www.gaelsong.com)

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Wednesday, September 9, 2009

wednesday 9,9,09 -- blackworld

Page Forty-nine

Turners Falls

Visiting again today the place where I had my own life, such as it was, for nearly 22years, and where it was torn apart 18 months ago...

Blackworld. That's how I started out on this journal many months ago, and it has only become blacker over time. I don't write popular on-line journals, and I've said this other places. I'm writing about things that are sad and depressing and angry and hard... I'm writing the truth of who I am and what's happened to me over the last 18 months. It isn't snappy and entertaining. It isn't clever or cutesy. It's a pretty ugly reality, and people are not hovering over their keyboards waiting for the next installment.

~~~~~~~~~~ website ~~~~~~~~~~~~

Saturday, August 22, 2009

saturday 22 august 2009


Page Forty-eight

Greenfield

The words "mental hell" with which I began this journal more than a year ago, still apply. I am in many ways a ghost. For all I know, I am still a worm. Matthew and his boys are still here. I asked him on April 27 if this was over yet, this "protection", and I didn't get an answer. Just as I didn't get answers to many questions I've asked him over more than a year. But I don't feel particularly human, and I certainly do not feel like the anne I was for 55 years, when I had what was my way of life.

Not one of the four on-line journals I began last year has the entire story of what I've been experiencing, especially in terms of Matthew and all that drama. The best way to gain a total picture, and my reactions to these various insane and grossly insensitive behaviors on the part of other people, is to go to my website and jump around among all the interconnected blogs.

(picture frame at www.gaelsong.com)

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Wednesday, August 12, 2009

wednesday 12 august 2009


Page Forty-seven

Turners Falls

I'm here in this town again today, where I no longer live, haunting my memories again of what was my own, real life. I've written about the reason I'm here today on braonwandering.wordpress.com.

I wonder where you are, other people with Asperger's, or other people who feel for animals the way I do and dislike human beings as much as I do, or other people who've had their lives destroyed.

I wonder if there might be people who read this now and then who find their adventures where I did when I had my life. The adventure of watching a sunset with dogs and cats. Or the adventure of finding toads with your dogs and telling them sweetly that we're not going to hurt the toads, we love them. All my adventures, for years, were found not usually in human activities, but primarily in nature, with my animals or by myself. And I hated humans interrupting my adventures. Coming along and chasing away the squirrel I was feeding, or yakking loudly some trivial nonsense while I was trying to listen to the water. And so on ad nauseam. But now that my real life has been taken from me, even nature adventures are darkened and saddened, because I no longer have my animals to share them with.

more about adventures.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

tues 4 aug 2009



Page Forty-six

anne nakis... unacceptable, unlovable in the human sphere. it's always been that way. apparently it always will be.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ website ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

all photos, graphics, poems and text copyright 2008-2011 by anne nakis, unless otherwise stated. all rights reserved.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

ghost


Page Forty-five

Thurs 23 July 2009

I've made eight trips to Turners Falls in the last ten days, though today I'm writing in Greenfield. I'm the ghost of Turners Falls, the empty one who goes to haunt the streets and the buildings and the waters where her life was, where her love was. Though I had periods of great emptiness back in the years that made up what was my own life, I've never been as empty as now. And though I had periods of wrenching loneliness in my own life (even with the animals), I've never been this alone. I wasn't built for this much loneliness. I do very poorly in it, both physically and psychologically. I care about nothing but the past, and the one human friend I have. Ghost.

(e. balivet tapestry at www.gaelsong.com)


website

Saturday, July 18, 2009

uphill battles


Page Forty-four

Sat 18 July 2009

AtomicPunk, if you're still blogging and reading, I'll say again that I'm sorry I missed your message for over a year. I really am a techno-failure. If you're still around, please write.

On other blogs I'm still working on details about the protection experience that Matthew said was going on in my life last year. These are details I didn't provide last year, for several reasons. I'm still trying to get down the facts of things he said and things he did, because I'm still trying to fight the delusional label. It seems I'll be fighting that incorrect and insulting label for the rest of my life.

I went into an extreme state of anxiety and anger during those "protection" months, after Matthew said and did the things he said and did. And because I lacked detailed information about how many people were protecting me and how it worked and how long it would last, in my anxiety and anger I pulled many people and events into the protection thing that I now realize didn't belong there. But I was never delusional. I was in an unbelievable situation that you never expect to happen to you, and right after having lost my home and everyone I love. I was extremely stressed and uncertain about who the people around me might me, but I never made anything up or dreamed anything up. It was a flesh and blood human being who is still in this town, though his real home is somewhere else, who told me people wanted to harm me, and that I was being protected by "feds," and that my grandfather had been in organized crime and betrayed them. Real words came out of a real mouth, and I believed them.

website

Thursday, July 16, 2009

to greet atomicpunk


Page Forty-three

Thurs July 17, 2009.... greenfield

AtomicPunk left me a nice comment, apparently over a year ago, and I only just found it a few minutes ago when I was trying to edit one of my earlier posts. I so seldom get comments, especially decent ones, that I forget to check for them.

I would like a lot to hear from you AtomicPunk, I think we could have things to talk about. And believe me, I'm still trying to figure out what happened with all this protection stuff too, but Matthew won't cough up anymore information, and certainly he won't cough up anymore of his purported love.

website

(pendant at www.gaelsong.com)

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

tuesday


Page Forty-two

7 July, 2009... Greenfield

I don't feel like updating any of the earlier posts today. I'm tired. Just wrote, on a different blog, a longish post about the strenuousness of trying to fight the label "nuts."

Four blogs to update, to supply explanations I didn't supply the first time around because I had to just dump my emotions on the page every day in order to carry on. And only 1 hour a day on the computer. It's a huge job that will probably never be finished. It's not like I have anything else to do, since others chose to destroy my life, but I don't have a way to get more computer time. And anyway, as I periodically have to say in my discouragement, who are the blogs for?

website

(opal pendant from www.gaelsong.com)

all photos, graphics, poems and text copyright 2008-2011 by anne nakis, unless otherwise stated. all rights reserved.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

anne as nemo



(this tiki is available at www.toscano.com)

Page Forty-one


Tues 30 June 2009, Greenfield

Myself as nemo, as no one. No meaning and purpose to my days, since that all came, always, from animals. No one, with no home. No one, with life as I knew it for 55 years laid waste. No one for this no one to take care of, to nurture. There is so very much nihil, nothing. And I feel completely a nemo, a no one.

The human world has made me hollow, with its meanness and indifference.


website

Monday, June 15, 2009

long absence


Page Forty

Mon 15 June 2009 Greenfield

It's been a very long time since I've written here. I'm going back over my writing from 2008 and updating each post, adding things that I didn't, for a number of reasons, include the first time around.

I am still homeless, after 15 months, and am living back in the rented bedroom that I had for a while last year. Matthew is still here in Greenfield -- hasn't gone back to his real home in Deerfield, but he will not tell me why I was never located anywhere by himself and his colleagues. I'm looking on my own again now. There are many things he won't tell me, and then there are the things he did tell me last year: that people wanted to harm me, that I was being "protected" by people from the fbi branch office in Burlington, Vermont; that my grandfather had been an organized crime figure. Is he really one of these protectors, or did he just hoax me? You'll decide that for yourselves, I assume, and most of you will no doubt decide he's a liar. People don't want to believe that what Matthew told me had happened to me can happen to anyone, ever.

And why haven't I written here since January? Just another one of the ugly mysteries that have been going on for a long time, and one I can't bring myself to address right now because of the mental stress involved in talking about it.

(tree man is available from www.toscano.com)

braonthree.wordpress.com

all photos, graphics, poems and text copyright 2008-2011 by anne nakis, unless otherwise stated. all rights reserved.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

dante's 9th circle for each of them


Page Thirty-nine


thurs 29 jan 2009 Northampton


HELL IS OTHER PEOPLE ...j.p.sartre


and I could add: especially an egomaniac named matthew. not to mention his misogyny, which I have now mentioned. particularly angry at him today

Update 21 Aug 2009: I've read recently about people with Asperger's having shutdowns (I have those all the time) and meltdowns when too much anger, stress and anxiety have accumulated. I was living in meltdown for many months, but I wasn't delusional. I've also read recently that it's not uncommon for people on the autism spectrum to be labelled as some kind of psychotic when they meltdown.

Matthew was a special target for my rage. Both because he was the only "protector"(if the things he told me about my life were true) who was allowed to spend a lot of time with me, and because he had said he loved me. There are many posts on the blogs I wrote last year that are full of anger at this bizarre, ugly situation, and Matthew was often the target. As he remains.

website

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

how many of us might there be?


Page Thirty-eight
Wed 21 January 2009 Northampton


How many people are there in amerika who are completely innocent, non-criminal people, who've had the sick bad fortune to end up with serious criminal types wanting to get them, and are in bizarre undercover "protection," whereby they are simply the property of infantile people who have no more conscience than the criminals themselves? And these would-be heroes have protected me against NOTHING else: not against homelessness, nor living outdoors, nor trauma, nor humiliation and degradation, not against loneliness or despair or grief. Not against hunger, not all the time.

I would say, at a guess, that maybe there are 10 or so people like me in this latent-fascist haven we call amerika. And I'd further guess that of those theoretical ten, most of them didn't already have PTSD when "protectors" took possession of them, and that NONE of them had Asperger's. I think the chances are quite good that I'm a one-of-a-kind amerikan, in the WORST possible way that you could be such a thing.


Update 22 Aug 2009: I wrote this during my second stay in Northampton, which was longer than my first. Again, the anger: it's a dominant theme in the journal writing I did last year and early this year. Because I always found Matthew's news about what had happened in my life believable, I believed absolutely that these "protectors" had taken over my life in a greater way than I had first thought. Matthew was no help there: he never told me how large or small the protection was, or how long it would last. I myself still believe the things that he told me -- too much that was bizarre happened around me and to me, and M. did things that I can describe in no other way than that they were things undercover people would probably do. If you want to conclude that M. played a big head-game with me, then that's what you conclude. I see that as only remotely possible, but others will have other thoughts. In any case, I was never delusional. I never heard voices in my head or dreamed up any of this stuff.

~~~~~~~~~ website ~~~~~~~~~

(bird at www.toscano.com)

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

powerlessness can kill you


Tues 20 Jan 2009 Northampton

Page Thirty-seven

I'd like to move to Canada. Anyone out there who can help a person who can't work get a visa?

Ten months and nine days of my life have been stolen from me by other people, as of today. I might be bait, shark chum. Matthew's never disputed that. I'm still not a human being, WHATEVER is going on.

Unlike others unjustly imprisoned by our government (and more and more I perceive this illegal, undercover "protection" as a prison), I am not allowed a lawyer or the press. Powerlessness can kill you.

Update 25 Aug 2009: The anger, the stress, had been accumulating for so many months by the time I wrote this, that I just wanted out. I hated this country (because I had believed the things Matthew had told me). I hated the fascist abuse of power that could do to an innocent citizen what I believe the "protectors" might well have done to me. I didn't want to live in a country where such things had been done to me, or where they could be done to any innocent citizen. I can't say I feel much different today. Antidepressant and anti-anxiety notwithstanding, I still feel dark and black about staying in a place where I may well have been treated in such a way. And Matthew and his boys are still here in Greenfield, so what does that mean? You decide what you think about my long-running situation. But the best way to do that, if you have the interest, is to go to my website, braonthree.wordpress.com. You can't just read part of it. You need to read in all the blogs I started in 2008.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

anne nakis and the feds? unending


Page Thirty-six

tuesday 13 jan 2009 Noho
So it's 2009. And it all goes on. No home, no freedom as far as I can see from the illegal undercover "protection." You don't want to believe your government is capable of the things like this, and I myself haven't wanted to believe it, either. But I still DO believe the things Matthew told me, and I can't live in the fallacy that our government wouldn't DO this.

CANADA, PLEASE, PLEASE

Update 27 Aug 2009: I was staying in the Northampton shelter for the second time (Jan 12 to Feb 9)when I wrote this. I was 5 days away from a birthday I didn't want, a birthday I was angry to still be alive for; angry that I hadn't been able to end myself and escape the existence that wasn't my life as I'd known it for 55 years. That I hadn't been able to escape the life without my animals, without a home, and burdened by a "protection" about which I had only very minimal information. I was still in mentalhell, and hadn't been able to free myself.

~~~~~~~~~~~ website ~~~~~~~~~~~

all photos, graphics, poems and text copyright 2008-2011 by anne nakis, unless otherwise stated. all rights reserved.