uphill battles

Page Forty-four

Sat 18 July 2009

AtomicPunk, if you're still blogging and reading, I'll say again that I'm sorry I missed your message for over a year. I really am a techno-failure. If you're still around, please write.

On other blogs I'm still working on details about the protection experience that Matthew said was going on in my life last year. These are details I didn't provide last year, for several reasons. I'm still trying to get down the facts of things he said and things he did, because I'm still trying to fight the delusional label. It seems I'll be fighting that incorrect and insulting label for the rest of my life.

I went into an extreme state of anxiety and anger during those "protection" months, after Matthew said and did the things he said and did. And because I lacked detailed information about how many people were protecting me and how it worked and how long it would last, in my anxiety and anger I pulled many people and events into the protection thing that I now realize didn't belong there. But I was never delusional. I was in an unbelievable situation that you never expect to happen to you, and right after having lost my home and everyone I love. I was extremely stressed and uncertain about who the people around me might me, but I never made anything up or dreamed anything up. It was a flesh and blood human being who is still in this town, though his real home is somewhere else, who told me people wanted to harm me, and that I was being protected by "feds," and that my grandfather had been in organized crime and betrayed them. Real words came out of a real mouth, and I believed them.

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