dante's 9th circle for each of them

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thurs 29 jan 2009 Northampton


HELL IS OTHER PEOPLE ...j.p.sartre


and I could add: especially an egomaniac named matthew. not to mention his misogyny, which I have now mentioned. particularly angry at him today

Update 21 Aug 2009: I've read recently about people with Asperger's having shutdowns (I have those all the time) and meltdowns when too much anger, stress and anxiety have accumulated. I was living in meltdown for many months, but I wasn't delusional. I've also read recently that it's not uncommon for people on the autism spectrum to be labelled as some kind of psychotic when they meltdown.

Matthew was a special target for my rage. Both because he was the only "protector"(if the things he told me about my life were true) who was allowed to spend a lot of time with me, and because he had said he loved me. There are many posts on the blogs I wrote last year that are full of anger at this bizarre, ugly situation, and Matthew was often the target. As he remains.

website

how many of us might there be?

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Wed 21 January 2009 Northampton


How many people are there in amerika who are completely innocent, non-criminal people, who've had the sick bad fortune to end up with serious criminal types wanting to get them, and are in bizarre undercover "protection," whereby they are simply the property of infantile people who have no more conscience than the criminals themselves? And these would-be heroes have protected me against NOTHING else: not against homelessness, nor living outdoors, nor trauma, nor humiliation and degradation, not against loneliness or despair or grief. Not against hunger, not all the time.

I would say, at a guess, that maybe there are 10 or so people like me in this latent-fascist haven we call amerika. And I'd further guess that of those theoretical ten, most of them didn't already have PTSD when "protectors" took possession of them, and that NONE of them had Asperger's. I think the chances are quite good that I'm a one-of-a-kind amerikan, in the WORST possible way that you could be such a thing.


Update 22 Aug 2009: I wrote this during my second stay in Northampton, which was longer than my first. Again, the anger: it's a dominant theme in the journal writing I did last year and early this year. Because I always found Matthew's news about what had happened in my life believable, I believed absolutely that these "protectors" had taken over my life in a greater way than I had first thought. Matthew was no help there: he never told me how large or small the protection was, or how long it would last. I myself still believe the things that he told me -- too much that was bizarre happened around me and to me, and M. did things that I can describe in no other way than that they were things undercover people would probably do. If you want to conclude that M. played a big head-game with me, then that's what you conclude. I see that as only remotely possible, but others will have other thoughts. In any case, I was never delusional. I never heard voices in my head or dreamed up any of this stuff.

~~~~~~~~~ website ~~~~~~~~~

(bird at www.toscano.com)

powerlessness can kill you

Tues 20 Jan 2009 Northampton

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I'd like to move to Canada. Anyone out there who can help a person who can't work get a visa?

Ten months and nine days of my life have been stolen from me by other people, as of today. I might be bait, shark chum. Matthew's never disputed that. I'm still not a human being, WHATEVER is going on.

Unlike others unjustly imprisoned by our government (and more and more I perceive this illegal, undercover "protection" as a prison), I am not allowed a lawyer or the press. Powerlessness can kill you.

Update 25 Aug 2009: The anger, the stress, had been accumulating for so many months by the time I wrote this, that I just wanted out. I hated this country (because I had believed the things Matthew had told me). I hated the fascist abuse of power that could do to an innocent citizen what I believe the "protectors" might well have done to me. I didn't want to live in a country where such things had been done to me, or where they could be done to any innocent citizen. I can't say I feel much different today. Antidepressant and anti-anxiety notwithstanding, I still feel dark and black about staying in a place where I may well have been treated in such a way. And Matthew and his boys are still here in Greenfield, so what does that mean? You decide what you think about my long-running situation. But the best way to do that, if you have the interest, is to go to my website, braonthree.wordpress.com. You can't just read part of it. You need to read in all the blogs I started in 2008.

anne nakis and the feds? unending

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tuesday 13 jan 2009 Noho
So it's 2009. And it all goes on. No home, no freedom as far as I can see from the illegal undercover "protection." You don't want to believe your government is capable of the things like this, and I myself haven't wanted to believe it, either. But I still DO believe the things Matthew told me, and I can't live in the fallacy that our government wouldn't DO this.

CANADA, PLEASE, PLEASE

Update 27 Aug 2009: I was staying in the Northampton shelter for the second time (Jan 12 to Feb 9)when I wrote this. I was 5 days away from a birthday I didn't want, a birthday I was angry to still be alive for; angry that I hadn't been able to end myself and escape the existence that wasn't my life as I'd known it for 55 years. That I hadn't been able to escape the life without my animals, without a home, and burdened by a "protection" about which I had only very minimal information. I was still in mentalhell, and hadn't been able to free myself.

~~~~~~~~~~~ website ~~~~~~~~~~~

all photos, graphics, poems and text copyright 2008-2011 by anne nakis, unless otherwise stated. all rights reserved.