a worm?

Page Thirty-three

fri 24 october 2008 Peskeomskut Park in turners flails

Am I someone's juicy bit dangling on a very painful hook? I'm still left to sleep outside, 55 years old and lots of chronic illnesses.

Many of the people in this town are so religious. Or at least, they are SUPERFICIALLY religious. I wonder what their god thinks of their participation in my degradation. I kid you not, not one of these people, some of whom have known me at least casually for over twenty years, will even give me a hot meal, nevermind a place to sleep. While I wait for Matthew and his germs to locate me somewhere.


Update 11 Sept 2009: I started writing in bold in all the journals last year at this time. The bold was to symbolize my anger and frustration. And I started ignoring things like capital letters because I wanted to break rules. Today I've put the capitals back in and removed the boldness. I believed the things Matthew said, so I believed in this protection, and I believed that because I was "protected" in such an underhanded way, I was bait. I am still not sure that I wasn't bait, because Matthew won't answer any questions anymore (not that he ever answered very many). As for the citizens of Turners Falls, I still bear them the same ill will. Their religiosity didn't prevent them from leaving a 55-year-old woman in a park. Even if they thought I was a loopy delusional, they knew I was harmless. No drugs, no drink, no violence. Someone could have offered me a room, or at least a couch. What would their Jesus have done?

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(oak leaf jewelry at www.gaelsong.com)

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as ever, the hollow men

Page Thirty-two

the leaves are falling all around and into my "home" in the bandstand in Peskeomskut Park, in the holy haven of Turners Falls.

tues 21 0ct 2008 living outdoors in Turners Falls

I keep forgetting whether it's Tuesday or Wednesday -- that's how tired and worn out I am.

I've said this in other places: a man in Keene, New Hampshire, a psychiatrist, no less, told me that if federal people were protecting me while at the same time using me to catch certain fish, without my consent, that this was ILLEGAL. Is this true, or was this professional man, fully trained and licensed and all that, just getting himself some jollies over my "delusions?"

They are no longer human beings in my eyes, Matthew and his fals,as I apparently have never been one in theirs. They are the quintessential nazi soldiers following orders, no matter how cruel and abusive to the innocent those orders are. They can all rot, these purported protectors, and I have no moral qualms whatsoever about saying that. They have no qualms in my direction. Leprosy would be nice -- then they'd literally rot. But does anyone actually get that anymore in amerika? Cancer, bullets, ebola virus, whatever. They are not human, not at the level of conscience and morality. They're a plague to be eradicated. If they've used me this way, I am furious. Furious and without recourse. I've been told by any number of people that if these big-cop types mess you over, there's not a thing you can do about it. Are they right?

I hang on this hook for your pleasure,
your plans, your parasite pride

Update 26 Sept 2009: It's still true. If they used me this way, I am furious. As I think MANY people would be.

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protecting?

Page Thirty-one

sat 11 oct 2008 Living on the canal in Turners Falls

I've been asked to leave the laundromat (though I was behaving myself there in a perfectly civilized fashion), so now I'm camped out on the canal. People who've known me for years in this town know that I don't drink or use street drugs or commit violent acts or steal, but no one can see their "Christian" selves clear to giving me a spare room or even a couch. To wit: "Going to church doesn't make you a christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car" (@scrapbookallday).

It's seven months today since various people destroyed my life. To this very moment, I continue to be homeless and to live with the likelihood (in view of things that Matthew Lacoy told me) that I am some kind of bait. When I started this blog in April, Matthew hadn't yet said any of these things. I thought that the DMH sitting back and delining to help me was the only bureaucratic millstone I was carrying. It was only in late June that I figured out there was something criminal going on, and Matthew, when questioned, admitted it right on the sidewalk. From that day on, he had little bit and pieces of other ugly things to tell me.

Update 7 Oct 2009: Some days, on some journals, I could mention things like exactly where I was sleeping in the great outdoors, and other days I couldn't. I was too ashamed. And once again I'll explain why I wasn't looking for my own place to live, why I'd stopped doing that in early July. Once Matthew told me I was being protected by people from Burlington, Vermont from another set of people who wanted to do me some serious dirt, I stopped looking for a place to live. All I'd ever known about this kind of "protection" was that you couldn't choose your own place to live: THEY had to choose your location. I was still waiting for them to put me where they wanted me, and Matthew knew it. I kept telling him to get his friends to get the lead out, as I was sick of having no apartment.


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still the rabbit hole

Page Thirty


sat 4 oct 2008 Sleeping in a laundromat in Turners Falls



I've been hanging around here in the library. Always have to find places to hang. The high school just put on some kind of a parade, and the floats were all of fairy tales and children's stories -- three little pigs, cinderella, etc. Reminding me once again that I fell down Alice in Wonderland's rabbit hole late in 2006, when all kinds of official and social service type people -- who are meant to help --started lying to me. The DMH lied and disappeared everyone I love, leaving me a homeless bum. And then Matthew adds his own gruesome tidbits to the already grim story of my days. No one will say where the animals are, if dead or alive, how long this "protection" might go on, how it works, etc.

Update 9 Oct 2009: A year later, it's all the same. I never, it seems, escape Alice's rabbit-hole world of nothing being as it seems and no one telling much truth, until death. I'll say again that I fell into Alice's rabbit hole, into a world of lies and smoke and mirrors and meanness and surreal illogic in November of 2006, and I'm not out yet. Maybe I never get out.

website

the hollow men

Page Twenty-nine

wed 1 oct 2008

Last night I slept outdoors in good old Turners Falls

So it could well have been some ice-cold colleagues of Matthew's -- along with the Department of Mental Hell --ripping apart my life and my heart all along. I've known this since late June, but for a lot of reasons haven't written about it as openly as I wanted to. But now, in October, I do. I have been betrayed by what appears to be a whole host of humans belonging to several organizations, and I no longer wish to be secretive about ANY of it.

Update 17 Oct 2009: I didn't write openly about all of the things that passed between me and Matthew last year. Probably this is one thing that fed into the erroneous notion that I'm "delusional." I was trying, in some things, to protect the source of my information about all this criminal crap in my life, which led many people to believe that I didn't have a source, that I was either making it up or dreaming it up. But the words came out of HIS mouth, whoever and whatever you believe him to be, and I never dreamed up or invented a thing.

(oz folks at www.whatonearthcatalog.com)

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all photos, graphics, poems and text copyright 2008-2011 by anne nakis. all rights reserved.