jingles and joy, just memories

wednesday 15 december 2010
turners tesseracts

I've been informed by someone that this year's Solstice will be a whiz-bang event. Not only the second yearly standstill of the sun, but also a full moon and a total eclipse of same. It was a truth that in my own life, which no longer exists, I would have had a great holiday for such an event. There would have been music and cooking and photographs out in the cold. And dog walks under the eclipse. And happiness, at least for a day. It's not true now......

There were two possibilities for visits from people this Yuletide, at least in theory. One person from one place, one person from another. I wasn't, of course, forward enough to ask for such visits. It was something I hoped would be offered. But neither theoretical possibility panned out, and so, at this first Solstice/Christmas/Yule that I live in Turners Falls again, but this time without my animals, there will be no one. No one to eat with, no one to talk to, no one to understand the devastation of this particular Yule: the first in Turners with the animals all gone and killed.....

I was fond, for all my life, of this time of year. I loved to give gifts, and wrap them, and receive them too. I loved the music and the lights. I loved the celebration in the early winter. Something to lighten things once the leaves had gone and the sunlight had started making only short appearances. I loved the trees: decorating them, and sitting before them in evening, looking at the twinkle lights. I was fond of bells and songs.....

But mentalhell is a very different place in which to live. And emotional hell. And a blackworld of aloneness. Can you know this? Can you imagine yourself into this blackworld if you've never lost everyone you love all in a moment?
In this kind of world the bells have all gone tinny, and the songs only sing of those who were stolen, and there is no more tree, because there is no more family to love it with you. And the crystalline, fascinating magic of snow is now a haunted white emptiness that will never again be punctured by the ones who walked the snow with you...

And no one will come to offer a little company, a little comfort, in all of this grief that goes on. No one says: what if that were me.

Yuletide Yups
Christmas Carol~~~~~~~~~~~~ website ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~