Wednesday, April 23, 2008

the green-eyed monster

Page Two

wednesday 23 april 2008 greenfield

Do you ever envy certain other people so powerfully that you could lie down and cry? Envy is one of those dark, unattractive emotions we're not supposed to admit to. I think it was Shakespeare who first called it the green-eyed monster, but I could be mistaken. Or perhaps he was referring to jealousy. Anyway, I envy, and for better or worse I admit it. I envy people who've had relatively easy lives, who've grown up without being badly traumatized by their families, whose paths in life have been mostly downhill and paved with relatively good luck most of the time. My life, and those of others too, has been so much goddamned hardship, so fraught with struggle and failure and trauma of all kinds, that I envy the easy people so hard my stomach hurts. And now, now that the agencies that were supposed to help me, that were being paid to at least PRETEND that they cared about me, have delivered me the worst trauma of my life, the envy I feel for the "easy" people all around me makes me want to fall down another rabbit hole -- one that's dark forever, with no humans in it, and from which I never come out.

Wed 21 Jan 2009, Northampton --- now I am ten months and ten days still homeless, still not a human being. And now there is more envy than ever in my life, for now I envy every single amerikan who has not been subsumed as property by the federal law kids (as Matthew has said), who has not had their whole life and many of their rights taken from them by these particular sociopaths. Undercover protection, which this Matthew Lacoy person told me I have and about which no one has convinced me that he's lying, is as fascist as anything nazis dreamed up. Now I envy every single amerikan who walks down the street without this protection in their lives. How many people are there in the country like me? People who are absolutely innocent, but have ended up in trouble with big criminal-types and treated like bait by the feds?. How many of us ARE there? Six? Ten? Fewer than that?

Update 25 June 2009, Greenfield: As I've said in other places, and will continue to say, Matthew never told me how many people were protecting me, how many people were around who wanted to hurt me; how long the protection would be needed and how it worked. And so with only a modicum of information, in my tension and strain I'm sure I pulled many more people and events into this "protection" situaion than truly belonged there, and I daresay that in my position you might well have made that exact same mistake. And I still believe strongly in the possibility that I was used as bait for some amount of time, particularly since Matthew, when I would bring that up, never once disputed it.

read... Spite and malice... Mishibone...

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all photos, graphics, poems and text copyright 2008-2012 by anne nakis, unless otherwise stated. all rights reserved.


AtomicPunk said...

I'm still reading through your blog entries to understand what exactly happened to you, but I just wanted to comment on this onw. I love the poetic thought of "falling down a rabbit hole with no humans in it". That's pretty much what I've done.

I live a simple life. I work, I go home and play games, I watch movies and read books, I kayak occasionally, I tease and pet my two little fuzzy buddies (my two cats), and that's about it. I've tried for more than half my life to fit into the "normal" world and all it's given me is pain, so I just decided to make my own. :)

nemo said...

Well, Atomic, I never found this comment till long, long after you had written it. I still appreciate it, and still hope I'll hear from you again sometime.