Monday, December 15, 2008

not delusional, but I AM worthless

Page Thirty-five

Mon 15 Dec 2008 Respite, Greenfield

So, so, in the absence of any evidence to the contrary, I conclude, based, true, on very limited but very damning evidence, that Matthew himself is probably the DECIDER. You know, like georgie bush. That Matthew decided that the best way to "protect" me (read: catch-heap-big-fish-and-be-even-heap-bigger,-cooler-undercoverman-than-ever) was to deprive me of home, loved ones, privacy, dignity, my legal right to give consent to being bait, my right to make decisions about my body, etcetera. He took control. And that was BEFORE he'd ever met me and fallen in love (sigh). Matthew himself, the man in love, may well have been holding the reins of my nine months of homelessness, and if that is his idea of love, then it's sick and twisted and of course I want nothing to do with it. He is SUCH a control freak that though he's known since late August that I don't want to talk to him and don't want to have him in my face, he KEEPS putting himself in my face. It Will Be HIS Way Or NO Way, as it has been all along. When you are loved by someone like Matthew, it's an ownership thing. He owns you. Shove it, Matt.

Update 3 Sept 2009: The day after I wrote this post, the respite people would tell me they were kicking me out the next day (the 17th). I've mixed up the days a little in other places where I've written about it, but here's the right way: they told me on the 16th that they were kicking me out on the 17th, so on the 16th I walked out the door without a word (leaving my stuff behind), and got on a bus for Boston. I stayed in Boston 23 hours, and on Dec 17th went to Northampton.

As for the things I said about Matthew in this post, I'm leaving them. I was angry, stressed-out, anxious, exhausted, and unsure about how great his role in my life before I knew him might have been. I'm still unsure, still don't have those answers, so I leave my statements as made. I certainly have no proof all this time later that he wasn't the one who made these various decisions. I asked him once in 2009 if he were the Decider, but all I got for a response was the undercover drivel.

(clip art photo)

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