not delusional, but I AM worthless

Page Thirty-five

Mon 15 Dec 2008 Respite, Greenfield

So, so, in the absence of any evidence to the contrary, I conclude, based, true, on very limited but very damning evidence, that Matthew himself is probably the DECIDER. You know, like georgie bush. That Matthew decided that the best way to "protect" me (read: catch-heap-big-fish-and-be-even-heap-bigger,-cooler-undercoverman-than-ever) was to deprive me of home, loved ones, privacy, dignity, my legal right to give consent to being bait, my right to make decisions about my body, etcetera. He took control. And that was BEFORE he'd ever met me and fallen in love (sigh). Matthew himself, the man in love, may well have been holding the reins of my nine months of homelessness, and if that is his idea of love, then it's sick and twisted and of course I want nothing to do with it. He is SUCH a control freak that though he's known since late August that I don't want to talk to him and don't want to have him in my face, he KEEPS putting himself in my face. It Will Be HIS Way Or NO Way, as it has been all along. When you are loved by someone like Matthew, it's an ownership thing. He owns you. Shove it, Matt.


Update 3 Sept 2009: The day after I wrote this post, the respite people would tell me they were kicking me out the next day (the 17th). I've mixed up the days a little in other places where I've written about it, but here's the right way: they told me on the 16th that they were kicking me out on the 17th, so on the 16th I walked out the door without a word (leaving my stuff behind), and got on a bus for Boston. I stayed in Boston 23 hours, and on Dec 17th went to Northampton.

As for the things I said about Matthew in this post, I'm leaving them. I was angry, stressed-out, anxious, exhausted, and unsure about how great his role in my life before I knew him might have been. I'm still unsure, still don't have those answers, so I leave my statements as made. I certainly have no proof all this time later that he wasn't the one who made these various decisions. I asked him once in 2009 if he were the Decider, but all I got for a response was the undercover drivel.

website
(clip art photo)

latent fascism in everyone

tues 4 nov 2008 Living in a park in Turners Falls
Page Thirty-four

It's nearly 8 months that I've been waiting. Until June I waited for the Department of Mental Hell to find me a place and give back some of my animals. After July, when Matthew told me those other dark things about my life, I began waiting for my "protectors" to locate me somewhere and return some of the animals. I still wait.

If Matthew told me the truth, then I've come to see precisely how fascist and lawless our federal law "enforcers" are, and it is a great shock. What is equally shocking is to see the latent Nazi blooming in every single regular citizen in Turners Falls and Greenfield, who turn their backs on me and my animals and my homelessnes. This is shocking in the extreme. I thought there were some citizens around here who had more backbone and more conscience and more principles than that. Not for me, they don't.

As I've said before in other journals: I have been betrayed by absolutely everyone around me. My government, my "friends," my doctors and therapists, local law enforcement, my child, my fellow citizens. Such a massive and unanimous betrayal can only make you feel like the lowest creature crawling on the planet, the most worthless blob of pond scum. And as worthless as they have deemed me to be, as viciously and shamelessly as they have all treated me, just as worthless and inhuman do I deem them. I despise them all.

Update 9 Sept 2009 -- Here is the anger, the hurt, the resentment I lived in all the time, and still live in to a different degree. If this protection was truth on Matthew's part, then at least the police forces in the two towns had to know about it, if no one else. But I was swimming in a sea of uncertainty, since Matthew would never give me more details: how many people are "protecting" me; how long will it last; who knows about it in the community, etc. Who did know about it? I didn't have a clue, so everyone was a possible "knower." I'd already been made to feel inhuman and worthless by the Department of Mental Hell when they sat back and let my life be destroyed, and then for Matthew to tell me about this protection thing that was all undercover and behind my back, made me feel still more inhuman and worthless.

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all photos, graphics, poems and text copyright 2008-2011 by anne nakis, unless otherwise stated. all rights reserved.

a worm?

Page Thirty-three

fri 24 october 2008 Peskeomskut Park in turners flails

Am I someone's juicy bit dangling on a very painful hook? I'm still left to sleep outside, 55 years old and lots of chronic illnesses.

Many of the people in this town are so religious. Or at least, they are SUPERFICIALLY religious. I wonder what their god thinks of their participation in my degradation. I kid you not, not one of these people, some of whom have known me at least casually for over twenty years, will even give me a hot meal, nevermind a place to sleep. While I wait for Matthew and his germs to locate me somewhere.


Update 11 Sept 2009: I started writing in bold in all the journals last year at this time. The bold was to symbolize my anger and frustration. And I started ignoring things like capital letters because I wanted to break rules. Today I've put the capitals back in and removed the boldness. I believed the things Matthew said, so I believed in this protection, and I believed that because I was "protected" in such an underhanded way, I was bait. I am still not sure that I wasn't bait, because Matthew won't answer any questions anymore (not that he ever answered very many). As for the citizens of Turners Falls, I still bear them the same ill will. Their religiosity didn't prevent them from leaving a 55-year-old woman in a park. Even if they thought I was a loopy delusional, they knew I was harmless. No drugs, no drink, no violence. Someone could have offered me a room, or at least a couch. What would their Jesus have done?

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(oak leaf jewelry at www.gaelsong.com)

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as ever, the hollow men

Page Thirty-two

the leaves are falling all around and into my "home" in the bandstand in Peskeomskut Park, in the holy haven of Turners Falls.

tues 21 0ct 2008 living outdoors in Turners Falls

I keep forgetting whether it's Tuesday or Wednesday -- that's how tired and worn out I am.

I've said this in other places: a man in Keene, New Hampshire, a psychiatrist, no less, told me that if federal people were protecting me while at the same time using me to catch certain fish, without my consent, that this was ILLEGAL. Is this true, or was this professional man, fully trained and licensed and all that, just getting himself some jollies over my "delusions?"

They are no longer human beings in my eyes, Matthew and his fals,as I apparently have never been one in theirs. They are the quintessential nazi soldiers following orders, no matter how cruel and abusive to the innocent those orders are. They can all rot, these purported protectors, and I have no moral qualms whatsoever about saying that. They have no qualms in my direction. Leprosy would be nice -- then they'd literally rot. But does anyone actually get that anymore in amerika? Cancer, bullets, ebola virus, whatever. They are not human, not at the level of conscience and morality. They're a plague to be eradicated. If they've used me this way, I am furious. Furious and without recourse. I've been told by any number of people that if these big-cop types mess you over, there's not a thing you can do about it. Are they right?

I hang on this hook for your pleasure,
your plans, your parasite pride

Update 26 Sept 2009: It's still true. If they used me this way, I am furious. As I think MANY people would be.

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protecting?

Page Thirty-one

sat 11 oct 2008 Living on the canal in Turners Falls

I've been asked to leave the laundromat (though I was behaving myself there in a perfectly civilized fashion), so now I'm camped out on the canal. People who've known me for years in this town know that I don't drink or use street drugs or commit violent acts or steal, but no one can see their "Christian" selves clear to giving me a spare room or even a couch. To wit: "Going to church doesn't make you a christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car" (@scrapbookallday).

It's seven months today since various people destroyed my life. To this very moment, I continue to be homeless and to live with the likelihood (in view of things that Matthew Lacoy told me) that I am some kind of bait. When I started this blog in April, Matthew hadn't yet said any of these things. I thought that the DMH sitting back and delining to help me was the only bureaucratic millstone I was carrying. It was only in late June that I figured out there was something criminal going on, and Matthew, when questioned, admitted it right on the sidewalk. From that day on, he had little bit and pieces of other ugly things to tell me.

Update 7 Oct 2009: Some days, on some journals, I could mention things like exactly where I was sleeping in the great outdoors, and other days I couldn't. I was too ashamed. And once again I'll explain why I wasn't looking for my own place to live, why I'd stopped doing that in early July. Once Matthew told me I was being protected by people from Burlington, Vermont from another set of people who wanted to do me some serious dirt, I stopped looking for a place to live. All I'd ever known about this kind of "protection" was that you couldn't choose your own place to live: THEY had to choose your location. I was still waiting for them to put me where they wanted me, and Matthew knew it. I kept telling him to get his friends to get the lead out, as I was sick of having no apartment.


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still the rabbit hole

Page Thirty


sat 4 oct 2008 Sleeping in a laundromat in Turners Falls



I've been hanging around here in the library. Always have to find places to hang. The high school just put on some kind of a parade, and the floats were all of fairy tales and children's stories -- three little pigs, cinderella, etc. Reminding me once again that I fell down Alice in Wonderland's rabbit hole late in 2006, when all kinds of official and social service type people -- who are meant to help --started lying to me. The DMH lied and disappeared everyone I love, leaving me a homeless bum. And then Matthew adds his own gruesome tidbits to the already grim story of my days. No one will say where the animals are, if dead or alive, how long this "protection" might go on, how it works, etc.

Update 9 Oct 2009: A year later, it's all the same. I never, it seems, escape Alice's rabbit-hole world of nothing being as it seems and no one telling much truth, until death. I'll say again that I fell into Alice's rabbit hole, into a world of lies and smoke and mirrors and meanness and surreal illogic in November of 2006, and I'm not out yet. Maybe I never get out.

website

the hollow men

Page Twenty-nine

wed 1 oct 2008

Last night I slept outdoors in good old Turners Falls

So it could well have been some ice-cold colleagues of Matthew's -- along with the Department of Mental Hell --ripping apart my life and my heart all along. I've known this since late June, but for a lot of reasons haven't written about it as openly as I wanted to. But now, in October, I do. I have been betrayed by what appears to be a whole host of humans belonging to several organizations, and I no longer wish to be secretive about ANY of it.

Update 17 Oct 2009: I didn't write openly about all of the things that passed between me and Matthew last year. Probably this is one thing that fed into the erroneous notion that I'm "delusional." I was trying, in some things, to protect the source of my information about all this criminal crap in my life, which led many people to believe that I didn't have a source, that I was either making it up or dreaming it up. But the words came out of HIS mouth, whoever and whatever you believe him to be, and I never dreamed up or invented a thing.

(oz folks at www.whatonearthcatalog.com)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ website ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

all photos, graphics, poems and text copyright 2008-2011 by anne nakis. all rights reserved.