latent fascism in everyone

tues 4 nov 2008 Living in a park in Turners Falls
Page Thirty-four

It's nearly 8 months that I've been waiting. Until June I waited for the Department of Mental Hell to find me a place and give back some of my animals. After July, when Matthew told me those other dark things about my life, I began waiting for my "protectors" to locate me somewhere and return some of the animals. I still wait.

If Matthew told me the truth, then I've come to see precisely how fascist and lawless our federal law "enforcers" are, and it is a great shock. What is equally shocking is to see the latent Nazi blooming in every single regular citizen in Turners Falls and Greenfield, who turn their backs on me and my animals and my homelessnes. This is shocking in the extreme. I thought there were some citizens around here who had more backbone and more conscience and more principles than that. Not for me, they don't.

As I've said before in other journals: I have been betrayed by absolutely everyone around me. My government, my "friends," my doctors and therapists, local law enforcement, my child, my fellow citizens. Such a massive and unanimous betrayal can only make you feel like the lowest creature crawling on the planet, the most worthless blob of pond scum. And as worthless as they have deemed me to be, as viciously and shamelessly as they have all treated me, just as worthless and inhuman do I deem them. I despise them all.

Update 9 Sept 2009 -- Here is the anger, the hurt, the resentment I lived in all the time, and still live in to a different degree. If this protection was truth on Matthew's part, then at least the police forces in the two towns had to know about it, if no one else. But I was swimming in a sea of uncertainty, since Matthew would never give me more details: how many people are "protecting" me; how long will it last; who knows about it in the community, etc. Who did know about it? I didn't have a clue, so everyone was a possible "knower." I'd already been made to feel inhuman and worthless by the Department of Mental Hell when they sat back and let my life be destroyed, and then for Matthew to tell me about this protection thing that was all undercover and behind my back, made me feel still more inhuman and worthless.

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