saturday 22 august 2009

Page Forty-eight

Greenfield

The words "mental hell" with which I began this journal more than a year ago, still apply. I am in many ways a ghost. For all I know, I am still a worm. Matthew and his boys are still here. I asked him on April 27 if this was over yet, this "protection", and I didn't get an answer. Just as I didn't get answers to many questions I've asked him over more than a year. But I don't feel particularly human, and I certainly do not feel like the anne I was for 55 years, when I had what was my way of life.

Not one of the four on-line journals I began last year has the entire story of what I've been experiencing, especially in terms of Matthew and all that drama. The best way to gain a total picture, and my reactions to these various insane and grossly insensitive behaviors on the part of other people, is to go to my website and jump around among all the interconnected blogs.

(picture frame at www.gaelsong.com)

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wednesday 12 august 2009

Page Forty-seven

Turners Falls

I'm here in this town again today, where I no longer live, haunting my memories again of what was my own, real life. I've written about the reason I'm here today on braonwandering.wordpress.com.

I wonder where you are, other people with Asperger's, or other people who feel for animals the way I do and dislike human beings as much as I do, or other people who've had their lives destroyed.

I wonder if there might be people who read this now and then who find their adventures where I did when I had my life. The adventure of watching a sunset with dogs and cats. Or the adventure of finding toads with your dogs and telling them sweetly that we're not going to hurt the toads, we love them. All my adventures, for years, were found not usually in human activities, but primarily in nature, with my animals or by myself. And I hated humans interrupting my adventures. Coming along and chasing away the squirrel I was feeding, or yakking loudly some trivial nonsense while I was trying to listen to the water. And so on ad nauseam. But now that my real life has been taken from me, even nature adventures are darkened and saddened, because I no longer have my animals to share them with.

more about adventures.

tues 4 aug 2009

Page Forty-six

anne nakis... unacceptable, unlovable in the human sphere. it's always been that way. apparently it always will be.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ website ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

all photos, graphics, poems and text copyright 2008-2011 by anne nakis, unless otherwise stated. all rights reserved.

ghost

Page Forty-five

Thurs 23 July 2009

I've made eight trips to Turners Falls in the last ten days, though today I'm writing in Greenfield. I'm the ghost of Turners Falls, the empty one who goes to haunt the streets and the buildings and the waters where her life was, where her love was. Though I had periods of great emptiness back in the years that made up what was my own life, I've never been as empty as now. And though I had periods of wrenching loneliness in my own life (even with the animals), I've never been this alone. I wasn't built for this much loneliness. I do very poorly in it, both physically and psychologically. I care about nothing but the past, and the one human friend I have. Ghost.

(e. balivet tapestry at www.gaelsong.com)


website

uphill battles

Page Forty-four

Sat 18 July 2009

AtomicPunk, if you're still blogging and reading, I'll say again that I'm sorry I missed your message for over a year. I really am a techno-failure. If you're still around, please write.

On other blogs I'm still working on details about the protection experience that Matthew said was going on in my life last year. These are details I didn't provide last year, for several reasons. I'm still trying to get down the facts of things he said and things he did, because I'm still trying to fight the delusional label. It seems I'll be fighting that incorrect and insulting label for the rest of my life.

I went into an extreme state of anxiety and anger during those "protection" months, after Matthew said and did the things he said and did. And because I lacked detailed information about how many people were protecting me and how it worked and how long it would last, in my anxiety and anger I pulled many people and events into the protection thing that I now realize didn't belong there. But I was never delusional. I was in an unbelievable situation that you never expect to happen to you, and right after having lost my home and everyone I love. I was extremely stressed and uncertain about who the people around me might me, but I never made anything up or dreamed anything up. It was a flesh and blood human being who is still in this town, though his real home is somewhere else, who told me people wanted to harm me, and that I was being protected by "feds," and that my grandfather had been in organized crime and betrayed them. Real words came out of a real mouth, and I believed them.

website

to greet atomicpunk

Page Forty-three

Thurs July 17, 2009.... greenfield

AtomicPunk left me a nice comment, apparently over a year ago, and I only just found it a few minutes ago when I was trying to edit one of my earlier posts. I so seldom get comments, especially decent ones, that I forget to check for them.

I would like a lot to hear from you AtomicPunk, I think we could have things to talk about. And believe me, I'm still trying to figure out what happened with all this protection stuff too, but Matthew won't cough up anymore information, and certainly he won't cough up anymore of his purported love.

website

(pendant at www.gaelsong.com)

tuesday

Page Forty-two

7 July, 2009... Greenfield

I don't feel like updating any of the earlier posts today. I'm tired. Just wrote, on a different blog, a longish post about the strenuousness of trying to fight the label "nuts."

Four blogs to update, to supply explanations I didn't supply the first time around because I had to just dump my emotions on the page every day in order to carry on. And only 1 hour a day on the computer. It's a huge job that will probably never be finished. It's not like I have anything else to do, since others chose to destroy my life, but I don't have a way to get more computer time. And anyway, as I periodically have to say in my discouragement, who are the blogs for?

website

(opal pendant from www.gaelsong.com)

all photos, graphics, poems and text copyright 2008-2011 by anne nakis, unless otherwise stated. all rights reserved.