saturday 17 october 2009

Page Fifty-two

Greenfield...

All is status quo. I go to Turners to haunt what was my own life. I wait on a waiting list for a tiny apartment in a small institutional building in Turners, which I will hate. I've never lived that way. There will be no animals. I'll continue murdering minutes away as I've done for the past nineteen months, but I don't live. Not in any meaningful sense of the word. I exist. Matthew is still here, and we are still estranged, which we will remain. I have the one human friend, D.

My daughter's father has killed himself, and I grumble in a dark envy that this long-absent person was able to do what I haven't been able to do: to end the misery. I'm much smarter than he was, and educated, and much more sensitive than he was. Why could he do this simple and final ending of misery, and I can't.

Not Human
website

wednesday 7 october 2009

Page Fifty-0ne

Greenfield


Nobody Nowhere. The title of a book I've recently read. But also the title of my existence since 12 March 08, when my whole life and everyone I love were taken away. Nobody nowhere has been me for the last 18 months. In many ways, Nobody Nowhere has been me my whole life. Me vis-a-vis other people: nobody much. I take the anti-depressant, I take the anti-anxiety, but these don't give me back my life and my loves. These don't turn me into somebody again. They don't make the enormous grief just magically go away. Nor would I want pills to do that. I'm not a believer in stuffing emotions down, or pretending they're not there to begin with.

~~~~~~~~~~ website ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

all photos, graphics, poems and text copyright 2008-2011 by anne nakis, unless otherwise stated. all rights reserved.

wednesday 23 september 2009

Page Fifty

Turners Falls

Back here again haunting my memories, yet again. I come as often as I can. Very, very few people in Turners Falls speak to me now, this year, and I don't speak to them. They did, after all, leave me living outdoors for two months. There are some, after all, who know what became of my animals and will not tell me.


Still working on updating all of the posts from last year, but it's a long job. Sometimes I get burn-out and have to take some time off from all the updating, from all the digging out of memory words, events, people that I chose to keep quiet about in 2008.

Still living in a rented bedroom. Matthew is still in Greenfield, as am I. It's still painful on several levels to see him, but when I move back here to Turners, I won't have to see anymore this man who has loved me so badly. I have enough grief to carry, enough loss, and enough other memories of meanness.

Website ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(greenman from www.gaelsong.com)

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wednesday 9,9,09 -- blackworld

Page Forty-nine

Turners Falls

Visiting again today the place where I had my own life, such as it was, for nearly 22years, and where it was torn apart 18 months ago...

Blackworld. That's how I started out on this journal many months ago, and it has only become blacker over time. I don't write popular on-line journals, and I've said this other places. I'm writing about things that are sad and depressing and angry and hard... I'm writing the truth of who I am and what's happened to me over the last 18 months. It isn't snappy and entertaining. It isn't clever or cutesy. It's a pretty ugly reality, and people are not hovering over their keyboards waiting for the next installment.

~~~~~~~~~~ website ~~~~~~~~~~~~

saturday 22 august 2009

Page Forty-eight

Greenfield

The words "mental hell" with which I began this journal more than a year ago, still apply. I am in many ways a ghost. For all I know, I am still a worm. Matthew and his boys are still here. I asked him on April 27 if this was over yet, this "protection", and I didn't get an answer. Just as I didn't get answers to many questions I've asked him over more than a year. But I don't feel particularly human, and I certainly do not feel like the anne I was for 55 years, when I had what was my way of life.

Not one of the four on-line journals I began last year has the entire story of what I've been experiencing, especially in terms of Matthew and all that drama. The best way to gain a total picture, and my reactions to these various insane and grossly insensitive behaviors on the part of other people, is to go to my website and jump around among all the interconnected blogs.

(picture frame at www.gaelsong.com)

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wednesday 12 august 2009

Page Forty-seven

Turners Falls

I'm here in this town again today, where I no longer live, haunting my memories again of what was my own, real life. I've written about the reason I'm here today on braonwandering.wordpress.com.

I wonder where you are, other people with Asperger's, or other people who feel for animals the way I do and dislike human beings as much as I do, or other people who've had their lives destroyed.

I wonder if there might be people who read this now and then who find their adventures where I did when I had my life. The adventure of watching a sunset with dogs and cats. Or the adventure of finding toads with your dogs and telling them sweetly that we're not going to hurt the toads, we love them. All my adventures, for years, were found not usually in human activities, but primarily in nature, with my animals or by myself. And I hated humans interrupting my adventures. Coming along and chasing away the squirrel I was feeding, or yakking loudly some trivial nonsense while I was trying to listen to the water. And so on ad nauseam. But now that my real life has been taken from me, even nature adventures are darkened and saddened, because I no longer have my animals to share them with.

more about adventures.

tues 4 aug 2009

Page Forty-six

anne nakis... unacceptable, unlovable in the human sphere. it's always been that way. apparently it always will be.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ website ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

all photos, graphics, poems and text copyright 2008-2011 by anne nakis, unless otherwise stated. all rights reserved.